Have you ever noticed how hard you are on yourself? I remember when I was first dealing with my compulsive eating, my friend said; “Geez, Robin, you sure are hard on yourself!” It never occurred to me. I thought the only way I was going to “make it” was to try really hard, to be the best in everything, to be perfect. When I fell short, I would beat myself up without mercy... which I did all the time. I thought that was the only way to “improve”.
Do you tend to:
Set high expectations for yourself
Demand unrealistic perfection
Strive for unreachable goals
Compare yourself to others
Do you gather evidence and reasons to get out the whip?
“See? I told you are not good enough!”
“You should be able to exercise an hour a day, what’s wrong with you?”
“If you could just be like Susan, she’s got it together.”
Ouch! Would your worst enemy treat you any worse than you treat yourself?
If that seems familiar, you are in good company. Even Gandhi said:
" I have only 3 enemies. My favorite enemy, the one most easily influenced for the better, is the British Empire. My second enemy, the Indian people, are far more difficult. But my most formidable opponent is a man named Gandhi. With him I seem to have very little influence." Jack Kornfield, A Path with Heart pg. 25
Like Gandhi, we cannot easily change ourselves solely through an act of will... especially if you use the same whip of judgment and aggression to force self-improvement.
We can stop the war through pausing to belly breathe and come to rest in the present moment. We can reconnect to our true essence only in this moment. Buried underneath the clamoring of the mind, our essence is always there, loving us, no matter what. That core is magnificent, calm, and ready to guide us at any moment... all we have to do is ask.
It began to dawn on me, that yes, I really was hard on myself. And that I had a choice;
I didn’t have to be! Then I discovered a 2,500-year-old Buddhist practice to evoke loving kindness toward oneself and others. When I began to say these phrases to myself, it was like the huge cathedral doors that had enclosed my heart began to open. I began to let myself into my own heart, to soften into the love I had been looking for everywhere. I offer this so you can see if it could be a useful practice.
Repeat the following phrases (these are phrases I needed to hear, so I invite you to tweak them to fit you if necessary).
Begin by sitting in your sacred space, becoming quiet and focusing on your breath. Invite the image of someone that you love to arise in your awareness. This could be your child or family member, your best friend, and even a pet. Say to them:
May you be happy
May you be peaceful
May you be free from suffering
May you be kind and patient with yourself
May you care for yourself joyfully and gracefully
Imagine that you can “borrow” this feeling that you have towards your beloved as you now picture yourself, repeating these phrases to yourself. You may see you as you are now, or picture yourself as a dear young child. Let the feelings arise and flow.
When you feel ready, expand your focus to include others. Begin with close friends and family, flowing outward to encompass your local community, your city, then your country. Finally, let your awareness expand to envision all beings that inhabit this precious earth. All beings, no matter how lost, just want to be happy.
This practice will begin to soften the hard places in your heart, and you will begin to feel a warm connection to all people no matter what their background or nationality. Such is the power of loving-kindness.
Just imagine bringing this quality of kindness and patience into the issue that has caused you so much suffering.... to the struggle around food. Yes, you really can end the war inside. Yes, you really can end the war against your body.
But don’t take my word for it! Come and find out for yourself. I warmly invite you to sign up for a free consultation if you would like one on one personal coaching. I will guide you to bring mindfulness into your daily life, transforming your struggles with food into a vehicle for awakening loving kindness.
